We lost Nazeen. We had him, but he ran like a bitch as soon as we bloodied him. That’s alright. We need to get back to the village anyway, and we definitely need to take advantage of this lull in the battle. We’re pretty beat up.
The villagers are excited to see us! Their sooty faces glimmer, like child laborers in coal mines, with the hope that tomorrow will be better, even though today has brought them strife. A lot of their friends probably died today. Probably because we conned them into thinking all you needed to win a battle was a few minutes of practice with a pitchfork and a scarecrow. Seriously, no armor or anything. I’m glad we weren’t around to see it because it must have been horrific.
Like I said, they’re happy. We have a hero’s welcome as we walk down the village’s main road. A few kids gather round to ask for autographs. Obblet shows them one of his signature cartwheels, which delights them. Not to be outdone, Welltick takes aim at a barn with his powerful magic, and blows it to splinters. It’s a big hit!
Anyhow, we catch up with Dar, who is the point-person for this operation. He informs us that Nazeen Redthorn is likely in a fortress called the Harken Keep. He says, maybe, if we’re interested, we can also resuce a friend of his, Baron Stockmore, who is being held in the Keep.
While we consider the dangers of storming the keep, and start to plan our strategy for the invasion, Dar starts to masturbate. That’s it. He just starts to masturbate right there while we’re talking. Makes you wonder why we’re taking orders from him.
It’s time to destroy the Iron Circle once and for all. The fortress is impregnable, but maybe Ol’ Keller can give us a hand. He’s down at the trading post. On our way to the trading post, the villagers again are very enthusiastic as we pass, even as they shovel the dead off the streets.
Keller and Nax wax dwarfwise about Katherine the Hammer Polisher. He’s a great guy but he can’t really help us with a secret passage or sewer entrance or anything. Unfortunate! We’ll have to find another way in. Keller does say that we can ask him some questions about Obblet and Welltick’s grandpa after we take care of the Keep. As we’re leaving, Nax and Keller whisper some inaudible things to each other. Hopefully this is covered in a future campaign because it seemed pretty racy.
We get a few hours of sleep before stealthing our way up to the Keep in the wee hours of the morning.
The Keep is an intimidating, succinct, death trap. Too tall to climb. Obblet heads right for the front door as the rest of us hold out in the backyard. Ronald is disguised as a bush, the rest of us are merely very still, and this is enough. From back here, we can see what Istus calls a tiefling, walking with a patrol of humans along the battlements. It is very fucked up looking. Basically made out of horns and nightmares. Not much to do besides twiddle our camouflaged thumbs while Obblet works things out up front.
A rumbling! A rumbling up ahead! It’s Nax. He had bison chili. Gross.
Aha! Obblet has bested these Iron Circle idiots and bluffed his way right up to the secret passage. We’re in now, and the first order of business is to eviscerate the Satanic Tardevil Chapel. Welltick summons a Shadow Serpent, which proves useful for exploring and for being super sneaky.
These tardevils are no joke. Pretty smelly, impy little guys but they’re tough. We enter their chapel quietly and notice a couple of them up at the altar. Perfect time for a surprise attack. I draw my bow and do some good damage to one of them. Obblet performs a Flamboyant Strike, which is something new he’s been doing, and boom, the guy’s bloodied already. Ronald misses, get used to that, and gets poisoned by one of these tarfucks.
-“John Stockton is the all-time leader for assists in the NBA.”-
Welltick notices the staircase upstairs to take aim at a few more tardevils up there. Nax challenges a tardevil. Calltis the Dark Adept emerges, noticeably more powerful and ominous than his tardevil minions. He has a spinemonster with him, but Welltick has no problem thunderwaving this thing over the balcony, it crashes onto the floor. Welltick takes care of Calltis the Dark Adept with a powerful spell, which disintegrates the spinemonster immediately. We clean out the chapel in good form, and Nax scores some sweet Goggles. Istus can remind you what they do.
Notice I didn’t say a damn thing about Ronald hitting anyone.
We successfully sneak toward the Great Hall, on our way to rescue Dar’s friend and kill Nazeen. Big mistake. The Hall is totally packed with guards, and a Dragonborn who sees us. Ronald misses and takes a lot of damage.
The Dragonborn is spitting ice, and Obblet is in trouble. I’m able to kill one of the DBorns, only to turn and see Ronald get killed again.
We enter a room with two Eledrin-ish women and a bunch of guards. Here’s the Baron. One of the women locks herself into a bedroom. Welltick shows off something called Force Orb that is really powerful, and kills all the guards in the room.
The Baron is able to tell us Nazeen’s location on the 3rd floor, and even mentions a secret passage under the table. He also gives us permission to bang the girls. He doesn’t know grandpa.