The Inheritance

More Stories About Caves and Orcs

God damn cave. Always with these caves. Croaker caves, ice caves, and now whatever the hell this kind of cave is. Caves, caves, caves. Some probably prefer these shadowy caverns, but surface-dwellers like myself prefer to remain in light. I’ll bet the bear is loving it. A wild animal living a wild, wild life.

After our long rest, Welltick shamelessly fists the asshole of a slain spider and pulls out a handful of web, which he must think is of some significant value, because he puts it in his coat. I think my cousin is a hoarder. I think he might have some psychological issues. And I think we might one day enter his home to find his long-deceased corpse buried under the weight of his own collected treasures. But we are in a cave and we have orcs to kill and these are issues to worry about when we are not in a cave with orcs to kill.

We proceed through an expansive hallway, lined by great statues of giants. Nax is none too impressed by them, shouting “Giants are no match for a dwarf!” I have to hand it to him— even if I have to stoop down to do so, ha ha!— he’s not lacking in self-esteem.

We walk for ages, and after what feels like exactly one half hour, just as I start to worry we are on a road to nowhere, we reach a great slabbed doorway, at the base of which we find the severed arm of an orc in a pool of blood. The poor creature must’ve been caught in the entryway as the slab came down on him. I do not feel sorry for him because orcs do not have Ioun in their heart. He probably deserved it, as any orc you meet is some kind of vile thief, scheming creton, or psycho killer. The arm bears a golden bracelet inscribed with the seal of the Severed Eye, our dear foes. I wouldn’t put anything past those Severed Eye folks. We’ve seen them do some pretty awful things, like that time we caught them surrounding a poor farming family’s home, laughing, burning down the house.

Yoink! Steal that bracelet for sure.

We attempt to lift the stone slab ourselves— even the bear— but are unsuccessful. It is a stone slab, after all. No handles or anything. It is an effective stone slab in this regard.

To the left of the blocked doorway we see a set of stairs leading up to another hallway. Rangram told us of a gatehouse deep within these caves. This must be the place.

Through the doorway we see a hall, the walls of which are lined with slits. Likely for arrows. Certainly, it must be booby-trapped. Welltick dispatches his Dick, and it detects numerous pressure-sensitive plates. At the end of the dark hallway, six glowing red dwarven runes. The red lights turn off, as if sensing our presence, and from the darkness spawn metallic snakes. The gate comes crashing down and Nax gets pinned by the thing. And if you’re wondering, “Is Nax extremely pissed off about getting pinned down by this fucking gate?” The answer is: yes, Nax is extremely pissed off about getting pinned down by this fucking gate.

My pal Foxy and I attempt to destroy the gate and quell Nax’s bellowing, but what happens instead is that we both get poisoned. All the while the snakes continue to attack the helpless dwarf. Welltick finally steps in and, deploying a force orb (“Force orb and seven years ago!” shouts Nax) he shatters the gate, howling “That’s a BULLSHIT GATE!”

Nax is up and fighting again, and that’s a good thing because we are all poisoned. But without that god damn gate to worry about, we make short work of the snakes. We’re a bit worse for the wear, but we press on. We have battles to fight. That’s just life during wartime for you.

Careful to avoid the rigged tiles, Nax makes his way to the end of the hallway and reads the dwarven runes. “Only friends may enter.” We quickly deduce that this is some sort of dwarven supremacist area, and decide that the best route is for Nax to enter the gatehouse alone. We peer around the corner and observe, waiting to jump into action if need be.

The room is filled with turrets and automatons. They regard Nax. He carefully inspects his surroundings and finds a plus-sized automaton behind some doors. On the automaton are more dwarven runes, which seem to outline a ritual. Welltick, being the expert, feysteps into the room with the automaton to avoid detection and performs the ritual. As this happens, we hear what can only be the stone slab lifting. Which is great, but we also hear what can only be a horde of orcs making their way through the stone-slabbed doorway.

Fox hears the orcs howling in their wretched tongue and yells back “I don’t understand your dumb language! You’re dirty!”

And this is the part so often featured in many of our journal entries: chaos. Blood everywhere. The orcs storm the hallway. Fox, Ronald and I stand our ground at the end of the hall and slowly advance upon them. Many of them are mowed down by the arrows triggered by the booby-trapped tiles they so carelessly tread upon.

Meanwhile, Welltick and Nax harness the power of the automaton. Alongside their fighting machine, they rein fury upon any orcs that slip past our defenses into the gatehouse, as well as the other smaller automatons.

The encounter is harrowing, and in the blind rage of battle, we hardly even notice that the bear is matted with blood. But we all fight on, and just as we are picking off the last few orcs, the bear is on his last legs. He is at death’s door.

We finish off the orcs and rush to the bear. It is quiet now. The bear’s eyelids are lowering, slowly. He seems to be dreaming of salmon. His eyes seem to be saying, “Take me to the river.” Fox is distraught, but seems to take comfort in the fact that he will very shortly resurrect Ronald for the second time. So he does that and Ronald is fine.

We rummage through the corpses and find some gold, as well as a strength-granting stone hand that should prove ‘handy’ in future battles.

We have much cave left to explore. I cannot say if we’ve finished off the last of the orcs. I hope so, but I also know they tend to breed in large numbers. Like the Irish, if “the Irish” were a people that existed. So I would not be surprised to find more as we journey deeper.

We’ve yet to find the young dwarven girl we’re looking for. She was allegedly lost to the caves when the orcs raided. I guess sometimes when orcs raid your caves, sometimes people will get left behind. And she was.

I sometimes wonder why we continue onward in the face of such constant opposition. But it is obvious: we are adventurers. With adventurers’ hearts. And an adventure like this… is once in a lifetime.

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WHat the hell happened?

My god, Bahamut, what happened? It feels like we went for days with no rest. Let me try my best to recount this. We woke up in a room where we killed some person claiming to be the winter queen. We did not believe her so we killed her in her cage and then went to sleep and that is when we woke up and that is where this starts.

If anyone finds this and reads this you can probably just skim this because we seriously went for what seemed like days and more happened in this journal post than any other journal post I or anyone else has probably ever done.

We woke up to Obblet screaming and he smelled bad. At least that is what i recall. We kind of explored the hallways and Ron opened a door. We find scientific notes and a gnome alchemist had used it as a lab and the notes were hard to read.

We then go to another door and it says warning do not open punishable by death. Omnious. Invites adventure. We are adventurers. Obblet unlocks the door and it looks like an old guard room. Welltick explained that it is there to keep people in or out of another room and there might be ghosts here? Like i said, i am trying to recall a lot and i dont much remember what he was talking about. Part of the reason i do not remember what he said is because i feel the presence of ghosts and i yelled at the ghosts and then welltick speaks to the ghosts. He says they are free to go and we open the door and they vanish. We enter the room and it is well preserved AND there is a transport circle. we saw these once. Then the wraiths re-emerge, at least i think it is the same ones. My memory is very foggy. It was time to fight and we chant “ISTUS SUCKS”. He is not Bahamut. My dear Bahamut. The ghosts are tricky guys and they slide us around and make obblet swing at ronald. We killed the ghosts, but to get perfectly philosphical moment, i do not think you can actually kill a ghost.

We entered a new room w a huge dragon and lots of other people some expressionless and some screeming in terror and obblet prys loose a goblin totem and we unfreeze a dwarf that had been frozen for maybe like a hundred years and he does not even know the winter king. We unfreeze from other people and some of them die and some of them run and marco tripped and killed one.

Here is the doozy. The guy erestor we unfreeze him. At this time i am still QUITE SKEPTICAL of him. But then he explains that it was his doppleganger that sent us back and he is erestor and he is their grandfather. I am now a believer. He has retrieved what he came for and now we leave. Marco and the dwarf stay behind. As we enter the void, we hear the dragon roar. Oh well, not our problem marc, take care of it. Maybe you can trip him and kill him too. Ha ha ha. We collide with ourselves and we are back.

Erestor begins to tell us his tale and explains that dick belongs to him. No more dick for welltick. Erestor explains that he fools around with time travel. This is where it gets weird an over my head (not hard when you are a dwarf!!!) and he sys he notices a change in present after time traveling and even the journals change, but maybe they didn’t? I am not sure and i feel like asking the other adventurers but i am scared they will call me a dumb dumb.

He found a playing card in the past. These cards corresponded to large, dramartic events happening out of no where i think he said. He states that if you get the whole deck you get the ultimate power. He wants to collect the whole deck and destroy it. He then proceeds to tell us about the thunder spiral labyrinth and it is a mountain with tunnels and a civilized on top.He mentions STONE FANG PASS from whence i descended.

Now we are on the way to STONE FANG PASS (my memory is very choppy, i should have maybe taken an in between journal rather than try and remember all of this because a lot happened in between journals) and darg says to go south. Then we went to the general store because we were able to pack the store with people due to Obblet’s acrobatics, Fox’s arrow, and my lying and we get a discount. We buy horses. I think 2 of them were named luther and nibble snax, but that does not matter. I named mine Daddy’s Vacation in Wisconsin.

We stopped at Treona’s! She was not there and we find books. For some reason i remember the following and i do not know what any of it means: textiles, civil engineering, furnishings, orchard, government.

We approach fallcrest. Holy moly we were there in olden times. Everything looks better than we remember and there is a nice fountain in the middle and as we get a closer look we realize that the fountain is us! Then we start asking people about the winter king and the adventurers on the fountain. Their details are hazy and they are ungrateful and they dont believe that we are the great adventurers that saved this shit town.

We setup camp and have to scare some squirrels away. Heron assures us about the south route. Obblet finds demonic papers in his sleep then he wakes up. Very hazy memory.Heron’s owner approaches: IM Rodoace. What?

Now we are looking for Lord and Lady Sevrim. The town is empty and we are told to go to the knothole. Apparently there has been a dwarven civil war and a cult of dwarves split the group.

We go to lady Sevrim’s house and she let us in and it is a nice house. Kinda poor looking. Not what i would expect of a lord and lady. Friendly though. Very concerned about the town. We leave our horses in their stable and brand them.

We run into a dwarven girl and she asks us to find Flinka’s sending stone. We agree. We come to a rickety bridge. Very dangerous situation. A couple hypographs attack us and we fight. I notice a thing, a man?, in a shelter nerby. We kill the gryphs and he disappears. I fall in the water and grab a rock. Obblet jumped onto the rock with me for some reason. I lost a rope. Obblet lost a grappling hook. After many unsuccessful tries, we make it to land.

We get to the cave and get into a big battle. I feel into a cave, but got out. Then we rested and i am here now.

Very very hazy and bad journal entry. Should split this up next time. Good day. Istus sucks.

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She's a Bona Fide Winter Queen
but she's dead as hell

Listen I’ve seen a bunch of crazy stuff since I’ve started hanging out with these guys, Welltick, Naxgarth, and Obblet. Ronald and I have been traveling together for years and it’s always been pretty peaceful. Every now and again someone who doesn’t know any better will try to pet Ronald. This is a mistake! But that’s as exciting as it’s ever been.

But this? This is crazy! We are in an ice cave, 600 years prior to where we started. A boat talked to me! It talked to all of us! It basically held us hostage, demanding we return the Ice Scepter to the Winter King. So whatever, we’ll do it, and hopefully it gets us back to our own time.

We awake in a kitchen, fully restored from a bunch of fighting. Leaving the kitchen we find that the area is slightly less frozen. The room is decorated with ornate dwarven carvings. They seem to tell a story but it isn’t clear. If only we had a dwarf in our party who knew anything of his race’s own mythology. Do these tell of a Dwarf Atlantis? A Dwarf Holocaust? Are we currently in a Dwarf Holocaust, perhaps?

A library is in the next room and the thaw is becoming more apparent. In fact, most of the books and scrolls here are ruined and moldy from water damage. Obblet uncovers a vial of Dragonbreath, which he keeps. Nax attempts to knock over one of the shelves in the library but they are made of very heavy stone.

This room holds the throne of the Winter King. He sits upon his throne and just as we are about to proclaim that he’s not so bad, we realize we are standing on frozen dwarf corpses. That’s a bit too much for us so we leave immediately.

Outside the throne room is a room with a well. The wizard sends down Richard, who scurries down with ease and makes it back up with a pouch of 100 gold pieces! Fantastic.

Past the well is a room decorated with 3 silver mirrors and a ceremonial gong. Never to back away from a challenge, we of course hit the gong two times and are approached by a troop of the Winter King’s guards. We can’t talk our way out of this one, so we have to kill all 3 of them. Welltick and Nax each kill one, leaving the last guard in a tight spot. Nax puts us to a vote, and we vote to finish off the troop (he might run for reinforcements otherwise). Naxgarth’s hammer flies true, and he knocks the head clean off.

We don’t get a chance to enjoy the spice packets they dropped because the next room has a tiefling, an ogre, and 2 skeletons waiting for us. Obblet attempts diplomacy but it doesn’t work on the tiefling, who lights the 2 skeletons on fire and sicks them on us. While we’re distracted by the ambush, the tiefling lands a dance curse on Obblet and lights him on fire. The ogre terrorizes the party, and Welltick demands that Ronald do at least 10 damage. This sends Ronald into a frenzy, and he kills the ogre and 2 skeletons for good measure. Marco, who has been here the whole time I guess, controls the tiefling, slowing it down for Welltick to blast it to pieces. In the rubble, we find the Amulet of Companionship and a Fire Key.

The next room looks like some sort of lounge area or meeting room. Welltick immediately searches under the rug, finds a bandana, and puts it on. Naxgarth takes the Winter King’s tub for a test drive. We find a door behind the toilet, which actually opens up to a passage that leads us back to the throneroom. Alright, it’s time.

The Winter King demands we bow when we return the Ice Scepter, which brings him back to life. Marco runs in terror when he hears the king speak, and the king launches an ice attack, freezing Marco in his tracks. Obblet drinks the Dragonbreath Elixir and the rest of us spring into action. Sigh. I knew this was going to happen. Welltick’s thunder attacks aren’t doing anything against the king. Obblet uses a handspring assault. I try my Shadow Wasp Strike but I miss yet again. Ronald does a serious hit, and Naxgarth bloodies him. The Winter King has a menacing blast attack that starts to shake stalactites loose from the ceiling for lots of damage. Obblet uses a very slick interrupt attack at the last second, killing the Winter King. We take the Crown of Winter and the Ice Scepter for ourselves and start to look for a way out.

On our way through the rest of the rooms, we come across a ghostly figure who asks us for the Ice Key and the Fire Key. We only have the Ice Key so we keep moving.

Now we’re in a prison, with corpses rotting in cells. A huge hairy thing is sleeping in a cell in the corner. There’s a nasty old lady in a cell who begs us to set her free. She tries to convince us that she was once the Winter Queen, and that the Ice Key we seek is with a dragon named Thrymen. Great, we say. Seeya, we say. Gotta get back to 600 years from now, where we’re considered heroes and women throw themselves at us. SORRY.

She pulls some funny business as we start to leave the room, and all the cell doors pop open. Whatever, because we kill all the creatures and we kill her because she’s a crazy bitch and we have dethroned kings.

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Man Did We Party
Ice

After a party in our honor we arise the next morning with no sign of Darg. We agree to go meet up with Grandpa. We meet up with him and he explains that he is gonna teleport us to another world and we must retrieve something for him in this world or we cannot come back. For the travel I am given a stone to ease the travel.
When we were sent into the new world the lab vanished before our eyes! We were gone and split up.
Fox awoke in a field where he soon met Naxgarth and started to walk to fields only to find Oblet sleeping. Out of the blue the saw the marmoset. The little guy was crazy. As they look at their surroundings, they notice that it is split one side green and beautiful and another side just dark and all winter. Oblet finally awoke to and the three began to follow the marmoset which soon led them to me. The stone that I had connected with the marmoset.
The area that was in winter shape was all frozen with snow falling and farmland with many frozen crops. We find a road and walk it for an hour or so only to see more farmland destroyed by the cold. We find a village called Farmcrest. We see some smoke coming out of houses and many other buildings abandoned . We find a camp and in the center of camp is Lord of Fallcrest Faren Malkeway.

After a night’s rest a boat appeared from the sky and lands. Out of the boat is a crowd of undead. One of the men has an Ice Scepter. I stay back to and do some magic. Some villagers die in the fight. My cloud of daggers does work on the undead. After the crazy battle we got the Ice Scepter. We learn the ice scepter can help end the eternal winter.

With the ice scepter we get on the floating ship and head to Frost Jaws Peak. The ride is a rough one as we sail in the sky through terrible weather. We battle throughout all of it and arrive at the peak. We see a building with 40 foot pillars with frozen skulls.
When we arrive inside we meet who we believe is the Ice King. We find him in a room with a table that has food all over. Nax had some of the food which he later found out was poison. We gave the Ice scepter to who we thought was the king only to find ourselves in a long battle. As usual we fought through it and got the ice scepter back.
We arrived in the kitchen of the building to find men who gave us problems and wanted the Ice scepter. Oblet was turned into a rat. Things were getting real crazy but we were able to take out the men and regain our health as we decided to rest in the kitchen before we run into anymore crazy things for the day.

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THE PEOPLE'S CHAMPIONS or LAYIN' DOWN THE MUSTARD

I return to write more of my adventures. Surely my journal will be useless to anyone who reads it in the future as I only recount an estimated one-fourth of this journey of mine, but understand that the majority of my time is spent bloodletting and oft-needless acrobatics.

Where were we? We were in the old keep if I’m not mistaken. Having laid waste to many of Redthorn’s minions, we rested up for a short while in a storage closet, then, feeling refreshed, headed toward a secret entrance to Redthorn’s bedroom. Welltick produced his shadow snake and attempted to weasel it through a small gap in the doorway. “Perfect crack for a snake,” he insisted. But he was wrong, and we had no choice but to burst through the door and start layin’ down the mustard.

We’ve proclaimed many hours to be our finest, and I’m certain we shall say the same of future endeavors… you know, I guess basically what I mean is that we just get better at fighting each time we’re in a fight so that’s why we always end up proclaiming each battle to be our best yet. I guess that’s just the thing with teamwork and comradery.

Bedroom. Nazin was in there sleeping with some of his guards and we got the jump on ‘em. Jumped ‘em good. Except for Fox getting straight-up fucked with a goblin’s morning star. Thing is, Nazin went down like a sack of potatoes. We rained blows upon him until the man was spewing blood from every pore.
So I stick my blade into the guy’s heart just in time for him to whimper “The Iron Circle will never fall!” Spoiler alert: he then fell immediately .

A job well done there, but then we had all these other goblin guys to deal with. Nax led the charge and shouted “Ardent Strike on that fuckin’ dickballs!” as he missed his target. Welltick and Fox double-teamed a goblin with a cloud of daggers and a swift kick to the nuts. The remainder of the battle was spent watching Welltick comically send goblins into the fireplace over and over again. When one of them was finally able to crawl out, he attempted an attack, failed miserably, and died. Fox noted the rich smell of burning goblin blood. “Harvest.”

So that’s it. Standard protocol: Nax removed Redthorn’s teeth and inserted them up the man’s own ass. We gathered loot and reconvened with Baron Stockmore, who invited us to have at his women. We did. Ronald did too, unfortunately. May Istus rest that poor woman’s soul.

The dead cellarmaid was no skin off the Baron’s back, though. “Well, I’m a Baron!”

BACK 2 TOWN

Happy people in town, sure. They know. They’ve heard. We visited old man Keller to inquire about Erestor Lewellyn, grandfather to myself and Welltick. (We are cousins.) He told us that old man Erestor once asked him to remodel the local tower and that there’s a secret lab in there. He also told us of his dead wife and how he isn’t the least bit saddened about losing her. I believe him to be a sociopath.

We walked through town a bit and noticed everyone preparing a great celebration in honor of our tremendous feats. To give them a bit of motivation, we laid down the mustard for them. I brandished the bloody blade that took the life from Redthorn. Nax delivered a rousing self-aggrandizing speech. And Welltick bedazzled the crowd with his mighty thunderclap, accidentally killing four.

A woman then excitedly approached us to ask if we’d heard anything about a young cellarmaid from the keep, who hadn’t returned as expected. We fibbed our way out of suspicion. Ronald looked at the ground the whole time.

Then we ran into our old pal Darg. “My boys!” We offered him a taste of Redthorn’s blood. “I don’t drink blood anymore!” he proclaimed. He was drunk and gave us a cloak for some reason.
“Anything for a dwarf?” asked Nax.

“Yes, any baby clothes?” A quality razz!

We asked about our dear, dear, dear friend Greeno. Darg had nothing to offer, but upon asking him about Erestor and the old tower, he produced a key for us to gain entry.

With a few hours to kill before our big celebration, we jaunted over to the tower and entered. Empty. Smelly. Boring. Welltick conjured up a campsite and we took a quick snooze.

VISIONS. NIGHTMARES. TERROR. A FLAMING THRONE. A LOOMING FIGURE. MY… SISTER? COULDN’T BEAR THE SIGHT OF HER.

I awoke with a start and started speaking to the fellows, who returned with looks of puzzlement. Turns out I was speaking in Goblin, a tongue I’m not even familiar with. So that was weird. I passed around my bottle of ashes to let them have a look at it and each time it changed hands, the recipient found himself speaking as a goblin. Just a weird thing.

“Omerk, Danerk, and Dothilda.” What does that mean? Guess that’s for you to decide.

We headed back to the center of town to ask Keller for more assistance, and he led us to a hidden closet within the tower. Fox and I enter and closed the door behind us. Nothing fancy happened, so we exit and, as we re-open the door, we found ourselves in a warmly-lit room full of furniture and trinkets. We holler back for the rest of the boys and they all found their way through.

After some poking about, we finally found our dear old grandfather, who refers to us as Cobblet and Welltix. Old fool’s brain isn’t great! He informed us that he wanted to send us on some errands. Nax continually insists that the old fellow is fucked in the head, but blood is thicker than water, so we hopped into Erestor’s strange machine and he pulled a lever or some shit and we floated in blackness for a bit. Erestor then informed us he needed to recalibrate the thing and I started to suspect that Nax might be onto something with the whole “that old guy is fucked in the head” thing.

Erestor insisted we stick around, but we have a party to attend, so we snuck out and joined the revelry. Kimber the lady gives us some nice clothes and bathes us real good, Stockmore speaks kindly to the crowd and unveils a pretty rad monument in our name, and we pay some dumb whore to pretend to be in love with Darg Reimiythe. What next? Don’t ask me. KADDOX!

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The One Where We Get Into the Keep

We lost Nazeen. We had him, but he ran like a bitch as soon as we bloodied him. That’s alright. We need to get back to the village anyway, and we definitely need to take advantage of this lull in the battle. We’re pretty beat up.

The villagers are excited to see us! Their sooty faces glimmer, like child laborers in coal mines, with the hope that tomorrow will be better, even though today has brought them strife. A lot of their friends probably died today. Probably because we conned them into thinking all you needed to win a battle was a few minutes of practice with a pitchfork and a scarecrow. Seriously, no armor or anything. I’m glad we weren’t around to see it because it must have been horrific.

Like I said, they’re happy. We have a hero’s welcome as we walk down the village’s main road. A few kids gather round to ask for autographs. Obblet shows them one of his signature cartwheels, which delights them. Not to be outdone, Welltick takes aim at a barn with his powerful magic, and blows it to splinters. It’s a big hit!

Anyhow, we catch up with Dar, who is the point-person for this operation. He informs us that Nazeen Redthorn is likely in a fortress called the Harken Keep. He says, maybe, if we’re interested, we can also resuce a friend of his, Baron Stockmore, who is being held in the Keep.

While we consider the dangers of storming the keep, and start to plan our strategy for the invasion, Dar starts to masturbate. That’s it. He just starts to masturbate right there while we’re talking. Makes you wonder why we’re taking orders from him.

It’s time to destroy the Iron Circle once and for all. The fortress is impregnable, but maybe Ol’ Keller can give us a hand. He’s down at the trading post. On our way to the trading post, the villagers again are very enthusiastic as we pass, even as they shovel the dead off the streets.

Keller and Nax wax dwarfwise about Katherine the Hammer Polisher. He’s a great guy but he can’t really help us with a secret passage or sewer entrance or anything. Unfortunate! We’ll have to find another way in. Keller does say that we can ask him some questions about Obblet and Welltick’s grandpa after we take care of the Keep. As we’re leaving, Nax and Keller whisper some inaudible things to each other. Hopefully this is covered in a future campaign because it seemed pretty racy.

We get a few hours of sleep before stealthing our way up to the Keep in the wee hours of the morning.

The Keep is an intimidating, succinct, death trap. Too tall to climb. Obblet heads right for the front door as the rest of us hold out in the backyard. Ronald is disguised as a bush, the rest of us are merely very still, and this is enough. From back here, we can see what Istus calls a tiefling, walking with a patrol of humans along the battlements. It is very fucked up looking. Basically made out of horns and nightmares. Not much to do besides twiddle our camouflaged thumbs while Obblet works things out up front.

A rumbling! A rumbling up ahead! It’s Nax. He had bison chili. Gross.

Aha! Obblet has bested these Iron Circle idiots and bluffed his way right up to the secret passage. We’re in now, and the first order of business is to eviscerate the Satanic Tardevil Chapel. Welltick summons a Shadow Serpent, which proves useful for exploring and for being super sneaky.

These tardevils are no joke. Pretty smelly, impy little guys but they’re tough. We enter their chapel quietly and notice a couple of them up at the altar. Perfect time for a surprise attack. I draw my bow and do some good damage to one of them. Obblet performs a Flamboyant Strike, which is something new he’s been doing, and boom, the guy’s bloodied already. Ronald misses, get used to that, and gets poisoned by one of these tarfucks.

-“John Stockton is the all-time leader for assists in the NBA.”-

Welltick notices the staircase upstairs to take aim at a few more tardevils up there. Nax challenges a tardevil. Calltis the Dark Adept emerges, noticeably more powerful and ominous than his tardevil minions. He has a spinemonster with him, but Welltick has no problem thunderwaving this thing over the balcony, it crashes onto the floor. Welltick takes care of Calltis the Dark Adept with a powerful spell, which disintegrates the spinemonster immediately. We clean out the chapel in good form, and Nax scores some sweet Goggles. Istus can remind you what they do.

Notice I didn’t say a damn thing about Ronald hitting anyone.

We successfully sneak toward the Great Hall, on our way to rescue Dar’s friend and kill Nazeen. Big mistake. The Hall is totally packed with guards, and a Dragonborn who sees us. Ronald misses and takes a lot of damage.

The Dragonborn is spitting ice, and Obblet is in trouble. I’m able to kill one of the DBorns, only to turn and see Ronald get killed again.

We enter a room with two Eledrin-ish women and a bunch of guards. Here’s the Baron. One of the women locks herself into a bedroom. Welltick shows off something called Force Orb that is really powerful, and kills all the guards in the room.

The Baron is able to tell us Nazeen’s location on the 3rd floor, and even mentions a secret passage under the table. He also gives us permission to bang the girls. He doesn’t know grandpa.

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WAR TIME FOR NAXY!
The one where we FUCK EVERYONE UP

Lissen, as i sed last time, I due not like writing. I am goeing to make this is short and sweat as possible. Butt alot of stuff happened. Bear with me.

We were on the way back to town when Ariell approached. We hadthe bodies of Oblett, Ronald GOD HERO the Bear, and Grean-o. They dyed and we want thtem back. Fox says he revive Ronald because he can do it.

Ariell will do Oblett, but it apposed to Grean-o. We convince her that grean is good and he helpt us. After much talk, she agrees. We make camp, Ariola takes Oblet and Grean-o.

I was sleeping when all of a sudden i hear a comoshun by the campfire. I step out and oblet is stepping out of the stream, the stream is bubbling. He was just looking. Not at a thing really. Just looking. Then, this dimwhite steps into the campfire! Then, it appears that maybe he came two and he realizes he is in a fire and he runs screaming and he collapses and there is more bubbling from the stream and G comes out and sees us and turns around and runs the other way. Weird guy that grean. It was weerd, but it seamed to me that he was looking at the Big O (oblit).

We sense a strong sense of divine sense in oblettt. Sents a carved asteel, fieree i’s…a woman? Well then the elves come and we tel them everything and they look worried. Tell us spend the night, he will wake up in morning, then we must leave"". THen this one elve says “We halve traded one cerrupshin for another1!’ Well we go to sleep, but i keep hearing bird calls in the distance and i can’t help but think, I will bet greeano is eatin a bird!”"

I wake. Camp is gone. Elves are sneaky as fujj. WEll obletts tells me he found a small bottle filled with assh in his satchel and he feels a weerd feeling to protect it. did not tell anyone else. Not even his life parnter. ""Cousin.

This halfling woman shows up. Sereena daughter of elder of albridge. She says, ""hey the iron circle is abotu ta battle! WAR WAR WAR!""" THis is not a diret quote, but pretty diret.

She guydes us to albridge. People are mobilizing. I can smell the impedning bloodbath. And you know what. I felt a wiggle in my britches just thinking of it.

Dark Grimmith is happy to see us. he asks us to rile up townsfolk. He must no i have a Lombardian ability to inspire the fighters. indede, i give a vary rousing speach. Obble does a big time cartweels and townspeople go kooky. ""HOOOT HOOT HOLLER" and such. We train various people and tawk to people that did not look so into it. They are into it, but worried about what happens after. Distrustful of Dark ?

Well the morning of war has arrived. More pants wiggling. Banners razed, horns blasting. I bless the crowd, bahamut and istus, and we go off to battle. we are told we will be sent where we are needed/

Harc the messaenger shows up and says to go to a place. We get there and ruffly 10 iron circlers and this big lizard thing! Fox ecksplains that its a spitting drake that spits acid. What a vile thing would spit that! THis seems to be a weak collection of men and drake. Obletts bluddies the spitter right away, Welly, to whom i have referred until now, kills an iron circle jerk. THen he sed “Thunder! NANANANANA!” And killed 4 more with one of his mistereous thunderwaves. Easy win. back to town.

My mind is a bit blurry here i think cuz of the absolute thrill of being back at war. I remember the iron circle was burning farmhouses, there was a black scaled creature, and once again welltick had a huge attack! Perhaps he has some dwarf in him. Fine warrior that welltick. Still not sure about him and his cuzzin though.

Well, guess hoo we run into! NAZEEN REDTHRON! We intimidate that fat basturd. We devise a plan. Their was more haziness because of the ajrenaline. I have been werking on a new attack and it worked! 3 kills in one fell swoop! They had these things called tar devils though and they were tough and we had a tough time with them but we eventually beat all of the tar devils and other guys that were not nazeen, We start going for him, bt he runs away! Coward. COWARD! I want to get him bad. I want the kill too. I feel a snese of kill.

That is all for now.

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WAR ENSEMBLE
The one where we FUCK EVERYONE UP

Lissen, as i sed last time, I due not like writing. I am goeing to make this is short and sweat as possible. Butt alot of stuff happened. Bear with me.

We were on the way back to town when Ariell approached. We hadthe bodies of Oblett, Ronald GOD HERO the Bear, and Grean-o. They dyed and we want thtem back. Fox says he revive Ronald because he can do it.

Ariell will do Oblett, but it apposed to Grean-o. We convince her that grean is good and he helpt us. After much talk, she agrees. We make camp, Ariola takes Oblet and Grean-o.

I was sleeping when all of a sudden i hear a comoshun by the campfire. I step out and oblet is stepping out of the stream, the stream is bubbling. He was just looking. Not at a thing really. Just looking. Then, this dimwhite steps into the campfire! Then, it appears that maybe he came two and he realizes he is in a fire and he runs screaming and he collapses and there is more bubbling from the stream and G comes out and sees us and turns around and runs the other way. Weird guy that grean. It was weerd, but it seamed to me that he was looking at the Big O (oblit).

We sense a strong sense of divine sense in oblettt. Sents a carved asteel, fieree i’s…a woman? Well then the elves come and we tel them everything and they look worried. Tell us spend the night, he will wake up in morning, then we must leave"". THen this one elve says “We halve traded one cerrupshin for another1!’ Well we go to sleep, but i keep hearing bird calls in the distance and i can’t help but think, I will bet greeano is eatin a bird!”"

I wake. Camp is gone. Elves are sneaky as fujj. WEll obletts tells me he found a small bottle filled with assh in his satchel and he feels a weerd feeling to protect it. did not tell anyone else. Not even his life parnter. ""Cousin.

This halfling woman shows up. Sereena daughter of elder of albridge. She says, ""hey the iron circle is abotu ta battle! WAR WAR WAR!""" THis is not a diret quote, but pretty diret.

She guydes us to albridge. People are mobilizing. I can smell the impedning bloodbath. And you know what. I felt a wiggle in my britches just thinking of it.

Dark Grimmith is happy to see us. he asks us to rile up townsfolk. He must no i have a Lombardian ability to inspire the fighters. indede, i give a vary rousing speach. Obble does a big time cartweels and townspeople go kooky. ""HOOOT HOOT HOLLER" and such. We train various people and tawk to people that did not look so into it. They are into it, but worried about what happens after. Distrustful of Dark ?

Well the morning of war has arrived. More pants wiggling. Banners razed, horns blasting. I bless the crowd, bahamut and istus, and we go off to battle. we are told we will be sent where we are needed/

Harc the messaenger shows up and says to go to a place. We get there and ruffly 10 iron circlers and this big lizard thing! Fox ecksplains that its a spitting drake that spits acid. What a vile thing would spit that! THis seems to be a weak collection of men and drake. Obletts bluddies the spitter right away, Welly, to whom i have referred until now, kills an iron circle jerk. THen he sed “Thunder! NANANANANA!” And killed 4 more with one of his mistereous thunderwaves. Easy win. back to town.

My mind is a bit blurry here i think cuz of the absolute thrill of being back at war. I remember the iron circle was burning farmhouses, there was a black scaled creature, and once again welltick had a huge attack! Perhaps he has some dwarf in him. Fine warrior that welltick. Still not sure about him and his cuzzin though.

Well, guess hoo we run into! NAZEEN REDTHRON! We intimidate that fat basturd. We devise a plan. Their was more haziness because of the ajrenaline. I have been werking on a new attack and it worked! 3 kills in one fell swoop! They had these things called tar devils though and they were tough and we had a tough time with them but we eventually beat all of the tar devils and other guys that were not nazeen, We start going for him, bt he runs away! Coward. COWARD! I want to get him bad. I want the kill too. I feel a snese of kill.

That is all for now.

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Surrounded by Death
Death!

I don’t have much time to write so I will make this short for one of our men has fallen in battle.
After awakening in the farmhouse surrounded by land harvested much too early. We learn there is a warrant out for us! We quickly move on down King’s road and find the Woodsinger elves camp by looking at their marks on dead trees. We come across and elf by the name of Israfen who gave a us a scare with his bow. We try to recruit the elves to fight with us against the iron circle.
Israfen takes us to Eriyele the cheif elf. He says he will help us but first we must defeat Dal-Nystiere, a man who brings and evil presence. We are given a vile of dragons blood to be used at the ruin where he is located. We are told to not let our guard down.
We head west and come across what looks to be an abandoned wagon and choose to set it on fire and learn that there were actually goblins inside. Two die but another goblin gets out and helps us fight spiders. The one Goblin was named Greeno. With the help of Greeno we took down the spiders but sadly the fight was too much and Greeno passed away.
We found the ruin to that teleported us to Dal-Nystiere lab workshop. We see drakes in cages and other goblins and Snilvor. We rocked the goblins and Snilvor. After defeating Snilvor we placed Greeno’s teeth up his butt. We find maps on the layout of Evlin Crips. A note was also found that said Dagorberg Goblin, Demoralize Woodsinger Elves and Ramsack Cripps.
We move on the the library with great paintings of a forest. The bones of a dragon are also found. Once we walked in the room Spiders and skeleton guards appear! As we fight the guards we find much trickery in the room with many random pits that appear in the room. We a very careful with out movements. The spiders have the ability to shoot web balls and this really screwed Nax! Back at the entrance of the room is Greeno’s body just laying there. He fights with us! (in spirit)
We fight Dal-Nystiere in a great battle! Many of us become very bloody! Ronald died and soon after Obblet past away also! We were able to Dal and only find Agate gems and a ring. We also find armor and Nax puts it on.
We learned also that they were gonna try to bring the dragon bones to life. We also tried but that did not work.
We quickly teleported back to the elve camp with our friends dead body and hop the elves could some how bring him back to life. OH GOD I HOPE THE CAN SAVE OUR BOYS!

I MISS MY COUSIN.

FAGGOT PANCAKES?”

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From the Journal of Obblet Kaddox: MISC. + AMBUSH

Allow me to recount recent events, but excuse any falsities herein. Fire spirit or something similar must’ve kicked me in the head and jarred my memories loose. Hey, I’m only human. “I’m only human.” is a joking phrase we Eladrin say. The joke is that we are not human.

We woke up hung over after an evening of celebrating our hasty waste-laying of the local tavern and its cowardly barkeep. Our breaths still stinking of booze, we begrudgingly rose and acclimated to consciousness, while Welltick— quick to his feet— paced back and forth, eager to begin another day of destruction.

We made our way out to the streets around 11 o’clock and were received with great fanfare from the local laypeople. They cheered and cheered, as idiots will do.

For some reason we made our way over to the Mallard Inn, and once we entered, we were inside the place. Old man bumbling about in there. Sharp as a bull’s bloated testicles. We asked him for information and he pointed us in the direction of a Kathrid Smithee. As a reward for his cooperation, Fox tossed a coin on the ground. “Pick it up, old man!” yelled Fox. The old man’s eyes seemed to go grey. He withdrew and apologized while we all had a good laugh. Welltick, seemingly having had enough, stepped toward the old man and offered his hand, and when the old man extended his own, Welltick slapped it. “You’re an old coward!”

Ha ha!

We left him be, but I hope he lives long enough that we might one day return and scare him some more. Perhaps enough to make him publicly soil himself, though the thrill of all thrills would be to scare the man to his very death. Perhaps in front of his family, if he even has one. All I know is— the old fool had joined the likes of The Red-Caped Faggot on the list of people I want to see suffer and rot. Soon enough, Istus willing. A feast for worms, the both of them.

We continued our journey along to some other place. And there we found Kathrid Smithee. She’s one of Naxgarth’s people— ‘those people’— and they seemed to hit it off, I suspect because they look almost identical. We told her of the coward at the Mallard Inn and I offered her a gold piece to stop by there sometime and kick him in the stomach. She happily obliged, and in doing so gained my eternal trust.

At that very moment, Welltick, serving as Naxgarth’s wingman, offered him some sage advice. “Show her your hammer, bro.”

And show her, he did.

To say that Kathrid Smithee was impressed by Nax’s mighty tool is a grave understatement. She looked wide-eyed and ready to physically receive the weapon in her gummy undermouth (her vagina). We collectively talked up Naxgarth— at times even stretching the truth— for the sake of allowing him to impress the foul little beauty. Perhaps, Istus willing, Nax will one day fill her with his seeds. I can see her now, bursting at every seam.

As there were other pressing matters at hand, the moist Kathrid collected herself and told us of Nazin Redthorn of the Iron Circle, holed up in the keep at Harken. Recommended we pay Darg Bremoth a visit at the Village Green first, though. So, fine.

En route to the Village Green, Naxgarth and Welltick discussed something they called ‘electrolytes’.

Arriving at the Village Green, we ran into our old pal Jim Stockwell, who sold us some berry bags. I growled at the man as I was bored, and he directed us to textiles, where Darg had allegedly been singing our praises.

Ronald’s been tagging along this whole time, by the way. He is a silent guardian, so he rarely does much worth mentioning when we are not in the throes of battle. It is worth noting, though, that as we spoke with Darg, Ronald balanced a ‘beach ball’ on his nose, the clever beast. Ha ha!

On Darg’s instructions, we made our way to the stables to rendezvous with a scout. His name is Garold, with a G, but he took great offense to our calling him by that name (Garold) so we declared his new name to be Pussyface, as his face resembled a gummy undermouth.

The pussyfaced Pussyface explained that a caravan of the Iron Circle would be passing the Standing Stones monument thing in about one hour, so there was little time to spare.

FOUR HORSES!” boomed Nax. “AND SOMETHING FOR THE BEAR!”

We crowded by the Standing Stones and waited for the caravan to approach. As they appeared over the horizon, I stumbled out into the road and, in a brilliant tactical display, distracted them with my theatrical abilities. Such was the plan, anyway. It was somewhat ‘half-baked’. I told the men I was beat up by scoundrels and that I was loyal to the Iron Circle. This would have been the ideal moment for my team to level a surprise attack, but nothing of the sort happened. What I did then, is attempted to cartwheel away. Some unsturdy footing resulted in me falling to my knees, though, and I slowly rolled through the grass while the Iron Circle looked on with confusion.

This confusion was more than enough of a distraction to provide Naxgarth the perfect opportunity to pounce. The battle began as quickly as it ended, and I’m left with only a collage of sights and sounds, muddled by the torrent of virulent rage and bloodletting. The details that I remember:

• Nax startles a horse, causing it to rear on its hind legs long enough for Fox to shoot the beast in its belly. Ran away!
• Welltick deploys his magic type stuff at the cart, knocking the driver clear off
• Some asshole shoots an arrow at Ronald. “Boooooooooo.” says Naxgarth
• Welltick deploys critical blow after critical blow. THUNDERCLAP AFTER THUNDERCLAP. WE ARE ALL OF US AWESTRUCK.
• “You’re pretty strong. I like that in a man.”
• Fiery tendril cocks…

Cowards vanquished, we searched their belongings and uncovered a lockbox. In it, a robe of scintillation. It goes to Welltick, as it is a logical addition to his growing ensemble. We also found a note that read:
“Dearest Jeremiah,
I’ll be waiting.
-Eleanor
PS: I am gay.”

We placed the bodies of the slain men on the caravan and set it on fire. We watched them burn as Welltick donned his robe and spun for us. Oh, how he sparkled.

Istus, there is more to tell.

Two hours back to Albridge, okay. Switching to present tense now. Darg’s happy to see us, and why wouldn’t he be. We’re doing everything for him, after all. I’m getting tired of Darg. Over beef steaks, Darg praises our work, and tells us it will send a bold message to the Iron Circle, but that if we want to see their demise, we’ll have to recruit the Wood Singers.

FUCK IT. LET’S GO.” says everyone. And we leave without even bothering to finish the meal.

Walking through Harken at night, we find ourselves in the presence of Iron Circle scouts, scouring the town for us. We flee to a nearby cabin only to find that we’ve stumbled upon a drake, some brigunds, and what can only be described as a ‘SCARY WOMAN’.

Welltick confidently lets out a ghost call. It does little but blows our cover. We enter battle, and everything is basically fucked from the get-go.

The details of this battle are even more inconsequential. All you need to know is that everybody got real bloodied up. It wasn’t great. “Hurricane Norman” is a phrase that sticks out in my mind, relating to this battle, but I couldn’t tell you why. I’m only human, ha ha!

Luckily, Welltick brought us all back from the brink of death by delivering yet another set of critical hits to our foes. Bloodied but victorious, we inspect the corpses and find a note from Nazin Redthorn. A description of our very crew. A bounty on our heads.

These are tomorrow’s worries, though. We take shelter in the farmhouse for the night and settle in to sleep through the night. Things are pretty grim at the moment, but I take a moment to think of the old man at the Inn, and how he is probably sleeping alone right now, full of regret, longing for love and acceptance that will never come. Someday I will end his miserable life with a blade. For now, it is but a dream to dream. Glory be to Istus.

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