The Inheritance

TIME IS A PYRAMID OF SHADOWS

FROM THE JOURNAL OF GODHERO RONALD BEAR

THE DATE IS MARCH THE 28TH. THE ADVENTURING PARTY REGRETS ANY OFFENSE CAUSED BY THE DWARF’S JOURNAL ENTRY. THE PARTY ALSO WISHES ‘BAHAMUT ACKBAR’ TO ALL READERS.

THE PARTY STROLLS THE STREETS OF WINTERHAVEN, LOOKING FOR ADVENTURE. OBBLET AND AELYS ARE SICK WITH DRINK AND ANTAGONIZE THE DOWNTRODDEN TENEMENT-DWELLERS. THE PARTY APPROACHES A TALL, GOLDEN-HAIRED HALF ORC WITH A GINGER COLORED FERRET, YELLING AT A HUMAN WITH A CAT. OBBLET SCARES THE FERRET AND THREATENS TO CUT THE ORC FROM TAINT TO TWAT. OBBLET SLAPS HIM. AELYS ATTEMPTS A GOODCOP MANEUVER BUT IS OVERCOME WITH RAGE. OBBLET SLAPS HIM. HE MISSES BUT MAKES IT LOOK REAL. NAXGARTH<333 THREATENS THE ORC, IT DOESN’T WORK. OBBLET SLAPS HIM. HUMAN’S CAT HISSES. OBBLET SLAPS HIM.

IT IS A SCENE.

GUARDS APPROACH AND INQUIRE. THE HUMAN PROVIDES HIS NAME. TAIN. ORC HIDES HIS FACE FROM GUARDS. ORC DOESN’T TRUST NAXGARTH. OBBLET PULLS ORC ASIDE FOR CONVERSATION. ORC GETS LOST IN OBBLET’S EYES. OBBLET SPITS IN ORC’S MOUTH BUT MISSES.

ORC SAYS TO OBBLET THAT THEY FOUND SOMETHING IN THE MINE, COULDN’T FINISH THE WORK, OWED THE HUMAN A DEBT.
(this is big for me, because I’m a cave guy)

NAXGARTH SWINGS HIS DICK AROUND WITH THE GUARDS. AELYS BREAKS IT UP. HUMAN SAYS ORC OWES HIM 80 ORE.

THE PARTY IS ESCORTED TO THE MINE BY THE ORC, NAME’A TEMIRO. OBBLET SLAPS HIM. THE WISE AND BEAUTIFUL HERO FOX SEES THAT TAIN’S CAT IS NOT A CAT BUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE FAMILIAR.

THE PARTY SAYS THE MINE IS TOO DARK. I WANT TO TELL THEM THAT I’M A CAVE GUY AND HAVE OUTSTANDING ACUITY IN THE INKY BLACKNESS OF THE CAVE. I WANT TO, BUT I AM A BEAR. WE PRESS ON.

I TAKE THE DICK WITH ME, TEMIRO FOLLOWS. NAXGARTH INVENTS HELMETS (JUST KIDDING).

WELLTICK DETERMINES THE CAVE TESTS POSITIVE FOR ECHOES. OBBLET ASKS IF TEMIRO WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WORKING FOR STONES AND BONES WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER. NO RESPONSE.

TEMIRO LEADS US TO A LARGE DOME WITH MAGIC EMANATING FROM A SPOT WHERE A DOOR WOULD GO. THE WISE AND BEAUTIFUL FOX SEES A FLICKERMAN IN HIS PERIPHERAL VISION, OBBLET CONFIRMS THAT HE SEES IT TOO. NAXGARTH HITS THE MAGIC SPOT. WITH HIS HAMMER.

TWO HUMANS ATTACK THE PARTY. THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX BLOODIES ONE, OBBLET KNOCKS A BITCH OUT. I KILL A MAN. OBBLET TIES A WOMAN UP. WELLTICK CARESSES THE WOMAN’S HAIR AND PUTS SPICES UNDER HER NOSE. SHE WAKES UP AND IS UPSET. OBBLET SAYS THAT THIEVES USE ROPE, AND PUTS A SOCK IN HER MOUTH.

THE WOMAN REVEALS THAT THEY ARE WORKING FOR THE GOLDEN PRIDE. FOX KICKS HER IN THE HEAD.

A DRAKE BUSTS THROUGH THE MAGIC DOOR SPOT, AND THREE DWARVES WRIGGLE THEIR GRUBBY LITTLE BODIES THROUGH THE WALLS OF THE DOME TO FIGHT US. AELYS THREATENS TO KILL OUR HOSTAGE BY SLICING HER FROM EAR TO EAR. THEY HAVE NO CONNECTION TO HER. HE SLICES ANYWAY. IT IS 80% EFFECTIVE BUT HE CANNOT REMOVE THE HEAD. THE PARTY ELIMINATES THE ENEMIES.

CARAVACOS APPEARS AND WARNS US THAT THE PYRAMID OF SHADOWS LIES BEYOND THIS DOME. WE CAN GO THERE IF WE TOUCH THESE STONES. EVERYONE HAS A BIG PROBLEM WITH TOUCHING STONES BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

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Short and Sweet, just like ol' Naxxy
The opposite of Naxxy's member, however

Ok, gotta make this short and sweet because I gotta get going here. Things to do, things to kill.

We were in this tower after defeating some vile creature. Obblet tried to pick the lock, but weird thing is, there was no lock to pick! Welltick tries some magic, but that doesn’t work either. Time for some good ol’ fashioned brute strength. We all push, putting our shoulders square into that bitch and the door yields. Some ice shatters inside. The room behind the door is frozen! HA! imagine that!

Anyway, we get inside and there are four humanoids inside encased in ice. One of them has the symbol of Bahamut! OHHHH! BAHAMUT IS GREAT! PRAISE BE TO ISTUS! BUT BAHAMUT IS GREAT! BAHAMUT ACKBAR!

There is a crazy, but seemingly harmless, man inside too. His name is Vandomar. He is talking about the war and saving us from said war by freezing us. He then begins rocking and chanting and it is definitely weirding us out. Aliss tries some diplomacy; Vandomar is suspicious. Then, outta no where, FOX ATTACKS!

Of course it was an easy win, or so I think? Me thinks ol’ Naxxy took a bump on the noggin, because this moment of time is hazy. Maybe Istus would be so kind as to remind me what happened someday.

I remember shortly after that we found 413 gold pieces.

We head over to Winterhaven and the Rufton’s Inn. Effit is the bartender. At least I think his name is Effit. Istus? Anyway, Effit points us toward Sign to find some whores.

We go over to sign. He kinda seems like a drunk dick.

Aliss pretends to be someone else and then Sign admits that he is going to distract us with some fine whores and steal our money. Room is empty, no whores. BUT THEN! Three whores show up. Alix, Idell, Brenda. We dress as ghosts, Aliss supposedly has sex with all three whores. Sign comes up with a letter from Bjorn and Horne. They seek flavors and wish us to come home to taste the flagship Greeno beers!

Anyway, that’s all I remember. Really hoping Istus can perform a miracle and fill in the blanks.

[Istus is performing a miracle and filling in the blanks:

Sign told the party to go up to a specific room and the whores would be up. I believe everyone was trying to get Aylis laid. Everyone else dressed up as ghosts and pretended to float around the hallway outside. I’m not entirely sure why. Ask them.

Anyway, after the festivities, the whores leave and sign returns to collect. You haggle with him. And threaten him a lot. Accuse him of sending whores up to steal your money. There is no money missing. You pay him. He leaves, clearly shaken by the intimidation. Also, at some point, Ronald tried to get a beer, but couldn’t get his point across. He thinks he is people.

End. ]

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Personal Diary : 20tho Flowerbloom

I have just received word that there is another group travelling through the Abbey, asking about cards. They supposedly emerged from the forest near the watchtower soon after the tower seemed to stabilize itself. Are they responsible for it? What did they find there? Do they have the cards?

They are clearly a force to be reckoned with as they have already killed one of my five mercenaries, Grosh. If they are truly searching for the cards, I may have to enlist others to stop them. I must speed up my work here. If I am to believe what the old man said about this place, there is at least one more card here and I will find it. I must not let him get them back.

Tam and Kurik last saw this group travelling toward the wizard’s tower. Good. I hope the remains of the mad wizard’s experimental golem kills the lot of them.

-A

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FREEDOM

I have been sealed away in this tower for too long. Eons have gone by. Civilizations have risen and fallen. Time itself seems to have no meaning in this warped place.

But for the first time, after being trapped so long in this void, I see my salvation. One of my eyes sees a small band of travelers approaching this gods-forsaken citadel. They tangled with the orcs and ettin guarding the gate fearlessly, and now they are heading this way, through the outer gardens. They realized quickly that these forests are not natural to this world, but fey in nature. What they didn’t realize is that these forests are riddled with spiders. Their webs stretch across every tree, blocking every obvious path, and yet these stalwart six manage to snake their way through the thicket without disturbing the spiders (after the two Eladrin squabble over who possesses superior knowledge of the Feywild. These two remind me of the two male humans who died in this tower near me, locked in one another’s embrace. One of the adventurers, a human, manages to loose an error at a critical point in the forest, disrupting the webbing and preventing the spiders from sensing their tremors. Others follow these tactics, and soon they are out of the forest with some new loot found with the corpses of less skilled (or less fortunate) adventurers.

They emerge from the forest to bear witness to the beautiful Whispering Grove, just in time to see five autumn nymphs bathing in a pond. Many have fallen victim to these decorated harpies screech before, and this party falls right into the trap. However, the nymphs seem to be in a playful mood, most likely since they just devoured the souls of the foolish goblins who snuck into the Abbey grounds earlier. They simply request to play a game of secrets. For each secret the heroes would share, they may ask a question of them. While this sounds harmless, or even helpful, the heroes reveal such dark things. The human admitted that he has no affection for any he traveled with, and wouldn’t bat an eye at killing any of them for any amount whatsoever (though the nymphs saw through this rouse easliy). The stout dwarf revealed that despite being wed, he has children with another dwarf woman. And for revealing this, the nymphs answered his question of where the “red caped faggot” is. Excitedly, the nymphs revealed that he was very near. Remarkably near, and seemed to be drawn to the red cape being worn by one of the Eladrin.

The red caped Eladrin then revealed that because of traumatizing events in his past, he exclusively bedded women whose appearance resembled that of his dead sister. Overjoyed with the humiliation, the nymphs quickly answered the second query, which was where some creature named “Greeno” was. (Apparently this group of hardy adventurers grew attached to a goblin. Hardly surprising with the stories these scoundrels were sharing.) The nymphs said that Greeno was near, and more, he was in danger.

Finally, the bear stepped forth, seemingly to tell a secret. He raised his head toward the nymphs and let out a series of grunts and growls, which lasted for several minutes. The entire time, the nymphs were enraptured and wide-eyed. Occasionally, one jaw would drop, and one screech would sound. This bear must have been weaving quite a tale, because the nymphs were quick to answer a question. The red-caped-Eladrin ripped a small urn from his pocket and shouted, “What the fuck is this jar!?” The nymphs reeled and hissed at it, shouting to get the vile vial away from this sacred place, and that it was touched by the mark of Tharizdun! The nymphs then vanished from the grove, leaving the party with more questions than answers.

The adventurers continued to the Font of Ioun, the one glimmer my eyes can see from this infinite darkness. Upon entering its sacred ground, a band of Eladrin guardians emerged from the treeline, surprising my unlikely saviors. The leader stepped forward and introduced himself as Berrian Velfarren. He explained to this group that they were trespassing on sacred ground his band of Eladrin warriors were defending from the orc occupation of the Abbey. The six travelers convinced Berrian that they were merely travelers seeking dangerous artifacts and had nothing but respect for Ioun and her relic (except the dwarf, who kept mouthing off about Bahamut. If he only knew who he really worshiped. Berrian tasked them with retrieving a journal of the old grounds keeper of the forest in a cottage nearby, and to be on the lookout for another Eladrin who had gone missing in the forest.

The adventurers made their way toward the cottage and found it inhabited by two slumbering owlbears. Sneaking up to the cabin, the crew could see scattered papers and books in the dilapidated home, one of which seemed to stick out as a candidate for a diary. However, the group somehow alerted the owlbears to their presence, possibly by imitating a displacer beast, or maybe one of them just smelled really bad. Either way, the crew was thrust into combat, where they made short work of the brutes, trapping them in the cottage and hurling waves of ice, steel, and arrows at them. Reading the recovered journal, the group learned that this forest was a gift from an Eladrin man to the leaders of this Abbey, when it flourished as a center or spiritual guidance, and not a hovel for disgusting creatures and rotting death.

While returning to the Font, the band stops and investigated a nearby, crumbling bell tower. By chance, they realize that two displacer beasts have cornered a young Eladrin woman and are about to pounce. The group rushes into action, some fighting and distracting the beast, while others rush to the woman’s side and stabilize her wounds. Suddenly, hordes of stirges rush out of the bell tower’s leaning bellfry, and try to suck the lifeblood out of the poor woman. The adventurers manage to bat back the flying rats, while still slaughtering the evasive displacer beasts. Healed, the woman explains that her name is Analastra and that she is Berrian’s sister. These heroes are keen on helping the distressed; maybe they won’t mind helping me.

They return to the Font, and Berrian reveals that the log they found was that of his father. He came to the forest in order to better understand him and has decided to stay and defend it. He gives each hero a blessing from the fountain, and requests that they stay the night and rest as newfound friends. Early in the morning, the heroes make way towards the western watchtower, after hearing that it exhibits strange and supernatural behavior. Finally they will come to understand what I have been wrestling with since being trapped here.

As they reach the watchtower, they notice it seems to both exist, and not exist simultaneously. The edges of the visible tower seem blurred, as if someone spilled water on a painting, blurring the edges and the background into one. They approach the tower and realize there is no entrance. They try to touch it, only to get the sense that the tower doesn’t exist here anymore. The wizard declares that it is a sort of echo of a structure that was once here. The dwarf unleashes a hardy blow to vaporous wall of the tower, only to find that his strike unleashes a flow of black goo that bleeds unnaturally through from the wound. They try many things, until finally the wizard holds up a strange card to the wall, and feels himself passing through the barrier. He beckons for his friends to follow. I wonder…could this card be the same card that rests here with me?

Inside the tower, the heroes realize what a strange place they are in. Instead of walls, strange slime seems to “breathe” up and down the edge of the room. Instead of support columns, impossible geometry extends to the infinite darkness above. All they see is a chasm in the center of the room that prevents them from reaching a luminescent membrane that morphs between an oaken door, and the black void I know all too well. There is a footbridge spanning the canyon, but the heroes do not trust it (the dwarf makes a joke about walking backwards across it, though I do not know what it means). I do not blame them—trust is not a concept that would appear organically in a place like this. Instead, the Eladrin and the dwarf teleport across the chasm, leaving the others to rely on physical feats and magical assistance to get across. As they approach the membrane, the room seems to erupt at them. The bridge rises and attacks them, black ooze erupts from the canyon. Luckily, they are sucked through the portal before the calamity can reach them.

The heroes now find themselves in the plane I am trapped in…this…Far Realm. The path they walked was a twisted and surreal experience, and I’m baffled they made it through. The first room consisted of rising black globules that that drift through the air and on the wall, up toward a vast, star-filled sky. Stairs seem to appear in the walls, before being swallowed again by the black goo. Some of the heroes manage to find a path up the stairs, others climb up the churning walls, and some still simply clutch the globules as they rise. They all make it to the sky, closer to me.

In this space, the heroes seem to lose all sense of direction. They exist in an endless space, filled with strange figures and amoeboid shapes. Remarkably, they manage to find their way by navigating familiar stars.

Finally, the group reaches the final room before my chamber. The stars they were flying through turn into giant cards—cards that opened like doors revealing some horrific thing jabbering rhymes and nonsense, trying to grapple the heroes. This trap, too proves fruitless, as the heroes make to the true door to me. The door opens, and I can seem them there. Staring at me in horror. I attempt to speak to them. To thank them for their rescue. But in this twisted universe, my form has changed, and I am something of a monster. I did not know. I could not know I had become such a beast. But I heard one of the group shout, “It’s a beholder!” as another lunged at me, knocking me out almost immediately.

Could it be? Could I have been transformed into a multi-eyed beast of legend? I worked so hard my whole life, and now I have been reduced to this!? And kept hostage in this hell of a place? And these “saviors” are now nothing more than barbarians, slashing at my eye stalks and shooting at my round body. No more! I cannot hold this rage! I will destroy all of them!

What cruel fate. I have been slaughtered by my rescuers. What I thought was the answer to my prayers has killed me, and are now performing bizarre acts of desecration on my body. Leaping through the air and landing on me with their genitals. Bursting from my body as thought it were being penetrated. What misery. And here I am, left to watch. Somehow. Whatever they killed in me was not all of me. It appears to be whatever part of me was still tethered to the normal world. The world I knew. The world I grew up in. Did I grow up? Was I a child? Did I…have children? I lost my mind so long ago, and now, for the first time, I miss it. But I must make a new home for myself here. Here, in this aberrant world. I am making a new start for myself in this new body, and leaving this sexually massacred husk with the tower. I am free now. Now that the adventurers have robbed me of that blasted card.

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A man watched us sleep and we were fine with it.

Obblet and Welltick wake up in the night. It’s quiet. Obblet procures a small pouch from a pocket and snorts a bit of ash. “That’s good ash,” he might have said. It has no effect, and he puts it back.

Something is different about this room. Naxgarth notes a religious presence around us, but, it’s hard to gauge with him because he’s always going on and on about religious stuff, and, whatever. Hard to believe in a lot of that stuff when your family was murdered by bandits and you were raised by a goddamned bear. Whatever, it’s fine.

Agreeing that the vibe is too weird here, we leave the room to investigate the situation. The town is small enough, and it’s late enough now, that we could manage to pull off a heist, pad our pockets a bit. Can’t say we don’t deserve it. Welltick illuminates the hallway of the innl, but there isn’t much to see. Nax makes a note of the incredible stillness in the environment. I turn to see Obblet behind the bar, pulling a sweet draft of beer for himself. I have turn, that is, because I have been in the corner masturbating.

Inn cleared. We go outside. The air remains very placid, and we are all in agreement that there is no noticeable temperature. The only source of light we can see is the dump. We head toward the light, when Naxgarth starts to feel a guttural pull back to the inn. Heyyyyy. He starts talking about how he feels an evil presence coming from the light source, Heyyyyy but, again, Naxgarth.

Now reader, I must tell you that this will seem crazy to a standard manbeing, but I swear it to be true. We were in no town at all! We awoke, not knowing we had been asleep, the 5 of us in a sunny field. Where are we? Were we ever really in that town? Did we share this dream together? What did Ronald see?

A man has been watching us sleep, shouting at us intermittently. Maybe for hours. He introduces himself to us as the Sharn-dweller Aelys. Welltick pays careful attention to this newcomer. Aelys says he has a left behind a life of academia and wishes to see the world up close. He likes the look of our party of seasoned veterans, and is desperate to see some crazy shit. Naxgarth doesn’t trust him. Now reader, I must tell you that this will seem crazy, but I swear it to be true: Naxgarth and Obblet blow each other. That’s what it says here.

Aelys points out that behind us there large stones lying in the field, right where we woke up. I’m hesitant to touch the stones because I remember the last goddamn time I touched a stone, so I keep my distance. Atop the stone is a smaller little trinket. A mint, from the inn! Maybe we weren’t sleeping after all, but, what happened to the town?

No time. We head toward Gardmore Abbey from Winterhaven. As we walk, we each get a turn to ask a few questions of Aelys and tell stories of our travels. No time. The Abbey lies before is, expansive and overgrown. A village to the east, a keep at the north point, and steep cliffs on the west and south. I scout out 2 orcs and 1 ogre holding watch over the walls. We send Obblet to sneak up the wall and take care of things. He climbs up the tower and signals back that he’s doing great and that he’s killed most of them. We head up to help him and totally take them by surprise. We’re doing great. I land a Splintering Shot on the ogre, Welltick is bringing out some Zombie Hands, Ronald is being a bear, Aelys casts this thing called Halo of Thorns around Naxgarth and it’s awesome.

Skin Guitar.

The zombie hands that Welltick has cast are fearsome. They pull an orc underground. As he succumbs to the gravity of his situation, we hear him gurgle “I didn’t even finish my bucket list!!!”

Aelys kills an orc, sending hot blood splattering on his face. “Welcome to death, bitch!” he might have said. Obblet slits the throat of the last orc, and we’ve cleared the tower as simple as that. Welltick finds a tusk and takes a moment to dance on the table.

This is all well and good, but we’re on a mission here. We’re looking for cards, and we hear some big orc chief with dreadlocks might have it. We head toward the Keep, but there’s a two-headed security guard who says we need some kind of passing word to gain access.

Aelys puts his skills to the test and bluffs the guard, saying he forgot the word, but the dumb guard says he’ll let him through if he brings back a bottle of the good stuff. We don’t have any good stuff at all, but we pool our resources to brew a bottle of good stuff. It works! Dumb two-headed guard buys it and Aelys gets into the Keep. There’s a big orcish-looking fella in dreadlocks who isn’t too happy to see him. We were wrong. This isn’t the chief, it’s the shaman. He tells us that a group of 4 or 5 has preceded us, one with pointy ears.

You guys, you don’t think…?

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We Need to Get These Motherfuckin Dragons off of this Motherfuckin Plane!

Are you there Istus? It’s me, Naxgarth.

It has been awhile since I logged. As i have stated plenty of times in the past, I am not one for words and writing. What do I look like, Zülg the Literate? Everyone knows he is the only dwarf that prefers composing poetry and reading over smashing skulls and swinging axes.

Anyway, how about all that stuff that happened with the dragons and all? Welp, that’s it. Until next time.

JUST KIDDING. I have to write a good entry since I so rarely write. But those dragons, hoo boy. It all started when we were transported from the arena to this odd winding hallway filled with smalls shops and kiosks; a bazaar of sorts. Zülg could describe it much better than I. But he is not with me and probably dead. We started wandering and before a few minutes passed a great light appeared. Kord appeared. Obblet, the ultimate trickster, tries convincing Kord that we killed a brass dragon. Kord smelled the bullshit from a mile away. Kord let us know that we are the first mortals in this place, which is an astral arena filled with gods and transcendent beings. This pleases me. I have always felt that i was more than mortal.

Kord’s disciples, Vik and Rek, are then assigned to us. One is dressed in gold, the other and silver. Kind of a tacky look if you ask me.

Obblet decides he is going to buy some food, but the vendor says we need an emblem. An emblem, you say? What is this emblem of which you speak? We go to talk to Vik and Rek and get some more information about where we are and what the hell these emblems are? Who doesn’t accept good old fashioned GOLD!

Vik advises that Bahamut (PRAISE BE TO BAHAMUT) and his nemesis Tiamat (BOOOO! HISSSS!) built the arena in order to pit their dragons against each other. Vik gives us an emblem, a white circle with a “10” on it. Huh? Obblet buys some “NokNok” and he enjoys some with Fox. I abstain. They say it tastes like “butterscotch”? I am not sure what butterscotch is, but it frightens me just as much as the NokNok. NokNok? Who’s there? Ha ha ha.

We approach one of the beings in the astral arena and I can hear Istus whisper, “he looks like a jawa.” What the hell is a jawa? Lot of weird things happening. Fox, for whatever reason, baby talks him. His name is Rand. And Rand is weird.

We go to the next shop: a big guy with more arms than we can count. I can’t count high, but my friends can, and they assure me, more than we can count. His name is Oshu, I think. Also a weird fella. How is this for a business model: he only has one thing for sale a day!

Next shop: human woman that forges weapons and armor. Woman tells us that Oshu says he sells one item a day. BUT HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A DAY I GUESS?! We go back to Oshu and now he has trauma braces. If i am not mistaken, everything was very expensive. But i dont remember for sure.

NEXT TENT! There are five cloaked figures in a circle chanting. More weird. They are Reva the enchantress, or at least that is what I remember them saying. They give Ronald frost claws in exchange for the emblem. Elemental Ice Bear.They give us the emblem back. It is still white. But now is has a “2” on it.

We go to Vik and Rek. Rek is in charge of challenges. We accept a challenge of a baby black dragon. We go to Edrick, keeper of the dragons. Edrick says “blacks breath acid.” This is how stereotypes start. We kill the black dragon and VIk advises that emblems are not the only rewards. I do not recall an explanation of this, but i will get clarification. We fight the green dragon and we slay it! BLUE DRAGON IS NEXT! I feel inferior to the bear. Ronald is riding the dragon. We kill the blue dragon!

Well, that is where i tuned out on the day. EXCELSIOR!

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Dragons and Weed-fever
Where is the dankweed?

As we awaken from a rest we find some Wisps’ that guide us to our horses. I hope to see more of those in the future they are just beautiful. My horse dankweed was so happy to see me and knew it was time for some more adventuring. The boyz and I huddled up and looked at the map in search of what to do next on our journey. Luckily there were no more holes in the map to go after. I don’t need to be a dead guy again. I love life!
After some strong talks about where to next we decided it would be wise to take a 2 day ride to Winterhaven. As we begin to ride we notice a loud screeching noise in the sky. I an’t gonna lie I peed my pants a little. That hasn’t happened in a while. My horse dankweed wasn’t having any of it either. (God I wish I could get a puff or two of that dankweed again. What an experience.)
We hear the screech again and notice that it is a dragon in the sky soaring around looking for who knows what. The idea to try to catch it or fight it came up but we decided stay focused on getting to winterhaven. (That’s a first).
As we arrive to a forest Nax and Fox smell something magnificent, they said it was like an orchard was around, fresh fruit. As those two head towards the smell Oblet notices that a giant plant eats them. Turns out that smell was there to attract food for the plant. Without hesitation Oblet and I decided to show this plant who is boss. I didn’t a plant could do much harm but man was I wrong. This bitch had some tricks up its s-leaves. I would hit us with some disease and make us sick but we fought through it.
The plant gave me Fith Fever. It’s slowly killing me. Not good.
After whipping some plant ass. We lay to rest and I somehow sat on a little bag of gold. Talk about being lucky. Maybe I could buy a pretty new broach or some sweet new boots.
We then jumped back on the horses and ride on and soon find a little shack that looks to be empty and have not been used in some time. Oblet kicks the door in and check it out. He didn’t care bout anything that could be in there. When we get inside we realized that this was just a temporary habitat, for who tho, I’m afraid we will never know. After some deep searching around the place we find some pretty Crystal Prisms. That was about all we found and we headed back to town. I felt like so bad no thanks to that fever.
As we arrive to winterhaven we meet some guards at the front gate who seem to be skeptical of use but we told them bout some of our adventures and how we destroyed the Iron Circle. The men also talked about that crazy dragon we saw earlier. They let us in and we first looked for a store to buy supplies and maybe help cure my fever.
We dropped our horses off at the stable. The man who owned that joint was just not cool in my book but whatever. We arrived at Delphina and Sister Lunora. They are religious and hope that some prayers can save me. The rest of the guys left me to look for supplies. We donate 5 gold pieces for their help.
The guys found Berwyn’s shop. We get a ritual scroll and oblet got some cool sword. The paid him for the stuff with the prisms. We made it seem like they cost a lot of money and were very rare. He went for it. They bring back the ritual to me and I chill at the stables to study it for 8 hours. This was my last chance to get rid of this fever.
We learn about Valthcan the President who lives in the tower in the city.
We find some farmers who had friends in Timbervale.
We head to the tower and when we got there Nax threw a rock in hopes to get someone’s attention in the tower. We found it was a lot easier to just knock. After a few knocks a guy opens the door.
We learn about the Shadowfell keep- A portal to shadowfell- A dark dark world
The portal is a huge threat where many creatures flooded into.
We get some sleep and in the morning we head towards the portal. We buy some horse food and before we head off I ask the stable fellow if he had any dank weed only to learn that is what killed his father. (Awkward.)
When we arrived at the portal that is surrounded by ruins, we feel power in the stones and head towards the center. We each try to recite the letter for the portal and the wind would pick up and then die right away. We then said how about we say it together and well that’s when things got crazy. The wind went crazy and we collapsed and were transported to the center of an arena only to find a dragon in front of us.
Naturally we fight.
Ronald quickly grabs onto the dragon limiting its movements. We each took our turns and gave the dragon some serious blows. In the end the Lightening arrows that I found finished him off. Oblet used them well.
We are just work too well as a team. It is a beautiful thing.
We then go back to center and teleport back. Let’s keep on rolling!

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On Conduits

Boy is this weird. We stole Thantos’s blood, and left the room, but Dick is still in there. We must take the vial to the receptacle for an audience with the Raven Queen.

We’re out of Thantos’s room, there are 2 stairwells in this landing, one goes back to Thantos, one goes to the altar. Dick! How could we forget about Dick. He runs down the steps, squeaking up a storm about this note he’s got in his mouth. We read it, it’s a suicide note from a woman saying that she “couldn’t be with him any longer because he was too focused on his experiments.”

Huh. There’s no name on this note, but, it’s a little funny because we could have sworn we had heard a similar story but the ending was different. Did she kill herself, or was she accidentally killed by this scientist who was now toiling to bring her back to life?

We’re in the Rotatey Room, and Obblet notices the walls are completely plastered with the name “Beatrice” in handwriting. Is he on that dankgrass? We don’t see anything, until he hands around the vial. Haminahamina! We all see it and it’s freaking us out so we try to focus on something else. The feather we need falls from the ceiling, and we put it into the fire to pass through. In this hallway, we notice more writing on the floor. It says “The dead walk slower near the end.” This is creepy and nothing more.

The urn is very high up in this room, I can reach it use it fancy acrobatics so I use fancy acrobatics to reach it. I can’t get it down but I do notice a string coming out from the shelf where the urn is perched. It rotates the whole room, and sends the party flying! I knew this would happen, but I like to see these guys get tossed around so I pulled it and suffered the hilarious consequences. I pull the string 4 times pretending I didn’t expect the results.

Finally the urn is ours, we complete the ritual by pouring in the blood and the feather. The urn regards us by glowing a little bit with some non-religious symbols. Welltick checks it, it’s clearly science stuff. I take the urn and we all head back to the Conduit to double-check this suicide note story. He gets pretty shifty, and we try some various interrogation techniques we’ve learned in our journeys. Unfortunately he’s undead or something, so none of the pain or physical threats really work. Someone must see that the cat’s out of the bag, because the Raven Queen takes over and says “THERE IS NO WAY OUT.” and blasts the Conduit into a heap on the ground.

We divert conversation at this point, and learn that the Conduit really has no idea how he got here. This whole thing is starting to stink! He agrees to take us to the teleporter room that can bring us to the Throne. The Queen appears again and says something to the effect of “ENJOY THE RIDE, BITCHES!”

We’re in a maze now. Each room basically has your standard 4 walls like we have in the land of the living, with a door on each wall heading…somewhere. We land in a Mazebo, and there is a pedestal with a book resting on it. We scribble some words on the book but the ink rises off the paper, jiggles, and then scatters. We ruin our clothes trying to guess any other words that the book will accept, but we get stuck after “The.”

With nowhere else to go, we venture off into the maze looking for clues. Each room has a word on the floor, and some doors have a glyph above them. No one else can understand these glyphs but me because they’re in Giant and I took Giant in high school because I went to kind of a nice high school.

The words are different in each room, and when we travel far enough away from the Mazebo we get ambushed and warped back to the start. Things start to get a little dicey because we’re sick of all the fighting all the time, and there is some dissent amongst us. Also some of the ghosts are challenging our Will and we end up taking a few shots at each other. Obblet stabbed Naxgarth, I shot an arrow at Welltick, it got bad. Finally we remember that thing that we thought was nothing is actually a thing. “The dead walk slower near the end.” It sticks in the book, and we know now to walk east, east, west, south, north, east, and east. I’m pretty sure that’s what we did, it was dark and hard to take notes.

The path we trod led us back to the Gazebo but this time a new door for the Throne Room had appeared. I bet this made the Raven Queen feel pretty stupid, because we found it and it wasn’t a big deal. Doesn’t she know what we’re capable of?

The Throne Room has a big big statue gripping a locked tube. He talks a lot of nonsense. He talks like 8 or 9 nonsenses. There’s a lock-code on the tube, each of the 5 wheels has every letter of the alphabet, and there’s some secret codeword that will open it. After several repetitions of the nonsenses, we realize they are not nonsenses but actually haiku. Because “ISTUS” does not work, nor “RAVEN” or “QUEEN” we enter “HAIKU” and it pops open. Inside is a detailed schematic of one called the Soul Eater. He is an imposter, posing as the Raven Queen, keeping people trapped on this plane for his amusement and sustenance. Our goal now clear, we head to the Altar Room via magicks.

Igor’s dead now. [citation needed]

We arrive in the Gate Room and try to quickly cast all the incantations necessary to bind the Soul Eater and end his reign. It will take 8 spells, and unfortunately the room starts to flood with Wailers. They pour in from the walls in bigger and bigger waves. They have a stun power that locks us and keeps us from protecting Welltick, who gets the shit kicked out of him to be honest. We fight valiantly, stunned, unstunned, stunned, unstunned, and Welltick takes it from pretty much every Wailer in the realm. Down to 1 hit point, our mighty Welltick opens the Portal or kills the Soul Eater or something like that ,and we all make it back to the earthly plane!

I try to hug Ronald, but my feeble hands pass right through him! What a life of pain I will lead from this point on! Never to hug old big bear again. Sulking at my fate, I notice everyone else is hard at work finding their bodies. Silly me! I’m a ghost! We find them our bodies, along with a Red Cape. Back to full power, Nax shatters the Opal that got us into this mess in the first place, and thousands of souls pour out of it. Beneath the wreckage lies a new card.

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Down the Boghole

I am back, dear journal. I am not so good at writing in you. I would guess I have only chronicled one-fourth of my recent adventures. It is no matter, though, as I am not an author of best-selling novels or anything. I am just a man on a journey who wants to remember a slight and exact portion of the things he does. Anyway, onto recent events.

It seems we are committed to this bog, because we remain in this bog. I mean, we’re not in it as I write this but we kind of are. Istus, alright. Look.

As we trod through the bog we happen upon this stone archway. Atop it, carved into the stone, the image of a bird. Welltick susses out that it represents the Raven Queen, Goddess of Death. That may be enough to spook your everyday commoner, but not this band of boys and bear.

We venture through the archway and into what I can only describe as a bog-hole. It is full of more hocus pocus nonsense. Goofy images on the walls of men touching orbs and crossing thresholds. Further down we discover walls lined with tombs and a glowing opal. We probably argue for a while and in the end we figure the best plan of action is to touch it, so we touch it.

I cannot articulate what occurs next. It is not something that has happened to me before. It certainly is something, though. And after it happens, I look around to find that me and the boys are in a dark place. A place seemingly untouched by Istus or my Ioun. We are forsaken on some kind of stone slab suspended in a dark, dumb void. Certainly, this must be the spectral realm.

And then this cheery whistling guy shows up!

Fox greets him, and the guy isn’t much help. I don’t know what the guy was like before he was damned to the spectral realm, but I wouldn’t want to be friends with him. He talks a lot without saying much, so we walk away from the idiot and find ourselves at the edge of the stone slab. Just beyond the precipice we’re able to make out a large, shadowy structure. Looks ominous enough that it is probably important.

Luckily, there’s a bridge directly to the next slab, but, go figure, it is built not only of stone but also of hocus pocus horse shit magic. Every step we take on the thing, the destination grows further out of reach. We try a lot of things— flipping, walking backwards, closing our eyes— none of this works. Who is this most useless of beings that builds such a bridge? What is the point? I am not a civil engineer or anything but some advice to whoever built that thing: maybe don’t bother building a bridge that doesn’t do what bridges are supposed to do.

Upon realizing we all hate this pointless bridge, it becomes apparent that our only option is to jump the chasm. Thing is, it is full of souls or fire or something. “Waaater?” Nax wonders. “Ants.” Welltick insists. Nax is startled, as if scared of the suggestion of ants, but says “SNAKES????” A funny, small, mighty man, that Nax.

So Welltick and I get all racial about it and straight-up Feystep across the chasm, at which point a dizzying whirlwind of screaming souls erupt from below and pour into the looming structure ahead of us.

Fox and Nax jump across and join us. Uneventful chasm, in the end. Smoke and mirrors. I do not like dumb spectral magic. And, again, fuck that rude bridge.

We head toward the dark ziggurat before us, and on the way it dawns on me that The Bear is not with us. Fox has probably been worrying about him this whole time, ha ha! I do not consider the plight of others very often and maybe that is rude, but I didn’t sign up for this adventure thinking, “I hope I can spend a lot of time worrying about a bear!”

We bust open the doors of the structure and the inside is none too welcoming. Labyrinthine, glass walls, lined with wrinkly, naked, howling souls. They are kind of showboating.

We eventually reach the end of the maze and find ourselves in an altar. There’s a big round opening on the ceiling, with a pulsing feathery mass protruding from it. And a circular altar below it with a single feather or something. And some doorways. Nothing makes a lot of sense in this place. You can understand why it frustrates me.

So there are doors. And one says “To walk this path is to reclaim the greatest reward.” which we figure is a quick exit to return to our bodies in the Regular World where they don’t waste time building practical joke bridges.

And the other door says “To walk this path is to embrace the now.”

Thankfully, a hooded weirdo shows up to really clarify the situation by explaining that we are all in a gift for the Raven Queen, created by Thantos. She wants our souls, it seems. Great. Thanks, Thantos. Thantos.

We’re pretty tired of the whole production. I am, anyway. So we figure we might as well take that first door and get back to the real world. But once through the threshold we find ourselves in a cavernous room with no exit in sight. Do the walls start closing in? Sure they do. Thinking fast, I do my Obblet flippy-flips and vault to the top of the chamber, but the rest of the boys are still down there, getting crushed. I’m almost worried for them before realizing that this room, not unlike that bridge, is probably a bunch of nonsense. And just as soon as I shout that to the others, the illusion fades.

The next room is cold but it’s also bullshit, so let’s not dwell on it.

The final room is a large cube. On the wall it is written in smeared water: “THE FEATHER. THE RECEPTACLE. THE VIAL.”

And the water starts filling up the room. Nax suggests we “Ride that water up like a fuckin’ surfboard to heaven.” This does not work. We, instead, sink to the bottom, finding the floor to be of an earthy consistency. We claw through wet loam for a moment before a great beast pulls us through.

It is the bear! The sweet bear!

And we are in an orchard. A beautiful sunlit orchard. And there are… people! Darg! And some dwarves that I assume are Nax’s relatives! And… wait… can it be? Is it Him?

The Goblin Saint? The Olive-Skinned Angel, himself?

IT IS. IT IS GREENO. AT LAST. OUR JOURNEY HAS CONCLUDED. I RUN TO EMBRACE MY DEAREST FRIEND. IT IS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

IT IS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

IT IS ALL… hmm… too good to be true…

IT IS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

Instantly confirming our doubts, welcome as the death rattle of a newly-born babe, we hear a distant whistling. Same as that guy, you know. What was his name? I don’t think he even gave us a name, so I’ll just call him Chekhov, a name I made up. It is Chekhov’s whistle.

The illusion shattered, we draw our weapons and slaughter these shadows of the people we hold dear.

May Istus one day summon the power to reach his wretched, knotty claws into this spirit world and draw the life from the beings that so callously presented us with the false image of our beloved Greeno. And also of Nax’s family, which was probably an emotional thing for him, but then again, I’m fairly certain he grabbed Greeno by the buttocks and performed what I assume is a dwarven friendship mouth ritual.

As the corpses bleed out, the world fades around us, and to no one’s surprise, we are still in that altar.

UGH.

Poke around a bit more, and we find the VAULT room, which is all rotatey. It’s got an urn in it, which we’re happy to assume is the aforementioned receptacle.

Back in the main room of the altar, the hooded weirdo is back, and he talks some more and tells us stories, but basically I’m just mad about the whole Greeno ordeal and fuck all of this I want to leave so let’s find the vial and leave these dumb people and this dumb world.

Entering another chamber we find a long wall of gates. “Only the Dead May Pass.” Basically looks like the original room we were in before we made the worst decision of our lives and touched that opal. Worse even than that time we let the bear hollow out Baron Stockmore’s cellarmaid, Istus rest her soul. Walking up the stairs, we find a dim stone, much like the opal we originally laid hands on. So we touch it, and it reveals the Regular World, where our bodies are all entombed. And now we just want to get back there as quickly as possible.

Thoroughly fed up with all of this, we prod around some more and find a doorway leading to the laboratory of Thantos, the giant. Thirty feet tall, three heads, branched arms. Around his neck, the vial. Figuring the greatest insult would be to deprive this guy of the satisfaction of combat, we decide to get sneaky, because this guy is busy with Giant Science Stuff anyway. Nax tip-toes in first, but one of Thantos’ heads stares at him. Nimble Fox rushes to salvage the operation and, scurrying up the distracted behemoth’s body, manages to snatch the vial. This makes for a nice moment up until he immediately drops it. But I’m so intent on leaving this shithole that I pull off a borderline-miraculous feat of acrobatics and catch the thing without making a peep.

Welltick distracts Thantos as we exit the room by shoving his Dick in the giant’s face, which is basically what every being in the spectral realm deserves.

And that’s where we are, I think. Unless we’ve already escaped. Maybe we have and I’m just having a hard time believing it. Ha ha. If not, we’re still here for a little while longer and everything’s terrible.

Other than that? Burning bottle of ash, crippling night terrors, the usual.

Goodbye for now, journal. I will write again soon to chronicle another thrilling 25 percent of my travels.

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Stones & Bones: A Brewery
Hesher

I would just like to lead off by saying Bahamut is a great god. A god that demands nothing but devotion. Istus requires detailed journal entries. I like killing things. Fighting. I do not like “writing” and “the arts.” Arts, farts. FAAAAAART

Istus is good, possibly an egg. Bahamut is great.

Anyway, where was I? The first thing i remember in this leg of our journey was Duggan departing to start piecing things together. That Duggan.

So remember that girl with the sending stone? The one that turned out to be a skeleton? We take her bones! Everyone is pleased with out job. Not our job of taking the bones, but our job of vanquishing the enemy. Yeah, i used the word vanquishing and i am an illiterate dwarf. SO WHAT? Anyway, onward and upward. Make our way to Timbervale.

Did you know Istus is actually a female god? I did some research recently using a god named “Googele” which directed me to a god named “wikipedia” and i found this out. The more you know. NBC. What is an NBC?

Anyway, we find Rangren at a tavern. Nice fella. The tavern, however, is crowded as shit. Last time we were here, not so much. What happened? We ripped this town from the shackles of oppression is what happened. We have pleased Rangren (no homo, except for obblet and welltick) and he gives us $1,000!!! He gave me a nice present too. No I will not give you details, nosey. We decice, “hey, let’s buy our adoring fans a beer and a shot!!” Buy a round for the house. 3 gold! 3 goddamn gold! Bahamut is great! Praise be to Bahamut!

For a hot minute we discussed adopting children. We would be great fathers. 4 men and a baby (and a gigantic fucking bear). Alas! We say NAY! That child might get raped. I am not sure who said that or why, but it is true. Rape: Not funny.

ANYWAY, we go find Fiona at the orphanage. Charming little place, what with the abandoned kids and all. Rustic. We then pull her friends bones out. We give her said bones. She balls her eyes out. This emotion confuses me. Then, get a load of this: she drops the bones and cracks her friends skull! Some friend. She gives us the other sending stone. Now we have a set. We bury the bones and i preside over the funeral. Bahamut uber alles. If you listen carefully, the wind says “THAAAAANK YOUUUUUU.”

So then we walk into this shop. And this shopkeep, who we will call Dinarv…no wait, D. D asks us to stock the shelves. We oblige. We finish. FIne job if i do say so myself. Then we play tricks. Big tricks. Obblet the trickster distracts D and LOCKS him im in a BUREAU!!! A BUREAU!!!! THEEENNNN Fox sneaks into the backroom and finds…DANK GRASS!!! I have only heard mythical stories. Wicked fucking stories. FLOWERBLOOM 11TH MAN!!! We light that shit and blow it into the bureau with a bellows. Welp, he is an addict now. Oh well. Weak minded, yeah? He gives us a map.

Well we go and talk to the bartender Tala. ANd we say “Hey tala! Here is 100 gold! keep an eye on D for a few months, yeah? help him break the habit! Dank grass is not good!!!” She says yeah of course and lets us stay in the in for free! Praise be to Bahamut.

We settle into our room and order room service. Welltick, against everyone’s better judgement after witnessing D, smokes the dank grass. His face, almost instantly, turns white. A look of terror strikes him. No response. The rest of us decide it best to go to sleep.

We wake up the next morning aaaand… Welltick is in the same position. Oh brother. The work of Istus no doubt. 3 hours later, he falls to the ground like a sack of bricks. He says there is no way to describe it. Cool story, bro. FAAAAAART

We venture to Aleg’s house! We put forth a proposal to purchase the brewery. After much bargaining, we come to a deal: we get the brewery back up and running and staffed and we split the profit 70% for us, 30% for him. NO MONEY DOWN. We put together a motley crew, indeed: Fiona, Tomart(?), Wolfa, Ofgeald, THorin, and Borin. THorin and Borin: they are legitimate. No fuckin around there.

ANYWAY: We go to the brewery. Kind of really a mess. We rummage, look this way and that. Head to the basement: GELATINOUS CUBE! FIGHT!

Yeah, after much hardship we beat said cube. I was in him at one point.

We leave the basement where the cube was and run into the new crew. Mention the mess of the former cube to the crew and thorin and borin hop on it to taste. Possible ingredient in a future brew. BEE TEE DUBS: Name of brewery is STONES AND BONES BREWERY. We take a break: HESHER.

ANYWAY: we left for the hole in the map. (quick aside: there is a hole in the map that intrigues us.) THEN Duggan catches up to us. He gives us letters from the tomb! Welltick and I buy horses, Obblet and Fox try cracking the messages. They crack the messages, but i do not understand it.

We setup camp for the night and in the morning this mystery boy brings us coffee. In exchange, we teach him how to hit on hot little Fiona. “I’ve got a BONE for YOU!” (In reference to her friend, ms. bag of bones) then lick ear. You must whisper this into her ear. HOT.

Then we got a letter from the red cape faggot. He is part of “The Golden Pride.” The Golden Gay Pride? Maybe. His letter says “Know that we are with you, even if you are not with us.” What the fuck is that shit? He is the one that stormed into our team, gave us no details, then left with no warning or detail. And he has the balls? He will get his.

We get up and go. We stop and see a stickbug. Majestic. We notice a large daed forest. Obblet theorizes that it is a lot of stick bugs. Maybe he had the dank grass? We notice croakers (AH HA!) in the forest stripping the trees. FIGHT! Of course we make short work of them though. We are experienced fighters. Made all the stronger by our experience together. They are giant frogs. Do that math slapnut.

ANYWAY, after making short work of them, we find boots.

Then this lady in the water thanks us. She is the protector of the forest. She gives me a floating orb which is a POWER JEWEL.

We finally get to the hole on the map, which turns out to be an expansive bog. Hmm, maybe Welltick was right? No, definitely not. Eww, it smells bad. We see a man made structure in the distance. It is hard, but we cross the bog to the stone structure. It goes down into the bog. We see an outline of a bird. a Carrion bird to be specific. It is a crow or a raven. we decide to call it a day. much exploring ahead. Bahamut, be good. Istus, yeah.

Good evening.

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